The following is a transcript of an interview with Carolin by Alana Sheeren of www.alanasheeren.com
I’d like you to tell me a little about your book; when is it coming out? Can you give us a little synopsis?
My book is a combination of my own healing journey and things that I’ve gathered along the way in helping women with the issue of early childhood sexual trauma. It’s a mix of memoir and self-help. It’s a seven-week course so it’s really made for people to work through. My intention was to give women something that they can work through on their own. I’ve had huge transformations from books and great results in my life so I love working through a book. The book is edited and it’s ready to go to publication: I’m doing a fundraiser right now to raise the funds that I need in order to launch it and I’m hoping to have it out in print in late November.
So, having had the experience of childhood sexual trauma, when did you recognize that there was grief around it?
I think that at first I didn’t mentally recognize it. From the ages of 11- 21 I was severly anorexic and really depressed and in a very dark period so I was not really living my grief or transforming my grief- I was just desperate and kind of unconsciously living it, I think. Those behaviors also caused a lot of grief because I knew that I came to this world to have a good life and I wanted to have a family and I wanted to be happy, and after having an eating disorder for as long as I had and after 10 years, people just wrote me off and most of them said “you’re going to live with this and you’re probably not going to live very long because it’s so damaging to your body.” So, when I was 21, (I was very bulimic at that time), I found myself on the bathroom floor from gagging. It was really like a touch of grace I think because it really hit me that if I don’t change something then there will be no future. So I think that was the first moment I allowed myself to feel grief around not having what I really want and then also that grief was like a catalyst and a motivator for looking for ways that I could actually start to heal.
So what did you do? What were your first steps after having the huge realization that you needed to change or you were going to be in pain for the rest of your life?
This is something that I actually teach in my book as well. I think the first step was really to have the realization that it’s either going to be me who’s going to make this change or nobody, because once you’re in that Western medicine and therapy model it’s very tempting to think that you go to a therapist, you tell them your story, they analyze you (I went to analytical therapy), and they’ll find out what’s wrong with you and they’ll fix you. That’s the attitude. And I think partly the reason why I didn’t heal was because of that attitude and as soon as I made the shift from “it’s only going to be me or nobody”, as soon as I realized that I was my own savior, , things started to shift. I started to allow things in my life that started helping me to heal. I attracted self-exploratory modalities; I attracted the right people, and was just more open to those things I think. So there was a lot of grace again. I think the first step is really having that realization and then being open to whatever shows up and saying yes to it.
Would you say that’s when the shift really started to happen for you? Did it get more intense at that point because instead of being depressed you got in touch with your feelings, or how did it shift?
It’s been a journey. It didn’t happen overnight so I think what happened is that I just more and more allowed myself feelings in whatever situation. Even in my life today there are moments where I am absolutely in pain and grieving but I allow myself that and it is healthy.. It’s part of the human experience to have it all. The more joy you can experience I think the deeper you will be able to feel pain but the difference is that once you start working with your emotions you are really able to contain them and not become swept away by them. When you don’t have that skill of being with your emotions then your pain will trigger you to eat, to buy stuff, to smoke a cigarette etc. So I think just generally my ability to feel and to be more empathetic and to also be more compassionate of others has increased.
What were your biggest discoveries about yourself in this healing journey that you’ve had.
I think the biggest discovery is that I really am who I thought I was. Something in me always knew who I was but it seemed like I wasn’t able to manifest thebeing that I know I am in my everyday life. So I think the greatest discovery is that it’s possible to actually be like a lot of people who I work with. I have this memory of how I was as a child – how exuberant and how full of life and just in the moment, and I’ve always been wanting to get back there and for a long time it didn’t seem like that was possible. So for me really the biggest discovery lately is that I can be that. Of course, I’m grownup now and it’s a different level of awareness but I can be an expression of that energy.
And would you attribute that sense of feeling like you’re the person you always knew you were inside but didn’t know how to get there – is that because of this healing journey that you’ve been on?
Yes. I started writing my book 2 ½ years ago. I’ve been on the healing journey a long time because I studied naturopathic medicine and humanistic psychotherapy from when I was 22 so it’s been 12 years now. I only found out about the sexual abuse 3 years ago, so all along I didn’t know why I was so depressed. Three years ago the pieces were coming together and so that’s partly why I started writing the book because I just couldn’t believe that I had done so much work and I was thrown back to square one. I just felt like that with all the knowledge I had, I needed to find a way to heal and so I started writing the book and then I had to go over it many many times to rewrite it. In March and April of this year I went through it again and the transformation that I’ve had just from working through my book, it’s been incredible.
So you had this childhood sexual trauma but you had no memory of it?
Yes. I had an idea and I did know of an incident when I was in my teenage years but I never could understand why that impacted me the way it seemed to.
So when you were 21 you had this moment of grace where you realized that things had to change and that you had to get more in touch with your feelings. And then you went on this healing journey and then 9-10 years into this journey you suddenly realized what happened to cause the whole thing. And what was that like? The grief that came up in that moment, what was that like for you?
It was actually a lot of confusion. The feelings that I was experiencing were utter confusion. The feelings that I hadn’t been allowed or hadn’t allowed myself to feel from when I was very little. It was just confusing.A lot of women would come to me with their issues because they would feel safe and their marketing wasn’t working – for some reason they didn’t feel comfortable. At that point I was working as a coach and I could not keep working. I just went into a depression and just started questioning everything I was doing and just felt super isolated because first of all, the memories that I ha were not the kind where you are sure of them so I was going through a stage where I was thinking, am I just making this up, you know? So it was just a very difficult phase and at that point, I had a met a man called Michael Brown. He came and gave a talk in Santa Barbara ,here at a local church,and I remembered his talk and I really liked him so I started researching him and I actually did an interview with him because I was really intrigued by his work and there were some things that he said in this interview that totally soothed my soul and comforted me so I got really involved with the work that he does. The work that he does is not unique to him – it’s called Consciously Connected Breathing – but he has written a book that’s called The Presence Process and that became my Bible. For 2 years I immersed myself into that process and the main premise in that work is feeling it to heal it, really becoming present to one’s own feelings, being able to feel them and have them move through your body and out.
So it took you a couple of years of that process and that book to make you feel like you were able to function again the way you wanted to?
Yes, and also during that time I was pregnant again and had a little baby. He’s 1 ½ now so that was happening concurrently and I also have a 6 year old. When she was 3 my memories started resurfacing because my abuse started to happen when I was 3 so her turning 3 triggered it. And then when she was 4 I got pregnant, so life’s busy with being a mom. I was struggling up until this January/February still, even though I was writing my book and I had some sense of what I was doing and there were some days when I was feeling really good. The real breakthrough just happened just a few months ago.
Can you talk just really quickly about that breakthrough?
I got really sick. I literally had a nervous breakdown and adrenal burnout. It was just a very intense health crisis.My physical condition was such that the only thing I could do was lay on the couch with my eyes closed. I was up inside but I just could not open my eyes and just be completely present to whatever and then a few times I actually started hyperventilating and just going somewhere else, it was pretty intense. And then one evening after an episode, I went in front of the mirror and looked at myself and it was as if it was completely peaceful inside of my head and that lasted for five days. That is what you would call enlightenment so it was just incredible to be in that peace and also have an experience of how everything is perfect. The fear of being judged by others was gone and I was able to be friendly and kind to everybody and open – it was awesome. I’m back to my normal self but that was definitely a major experience and I think through that experience I learned to just be myself and not worry about what others might think about me or try to figure them out before I’ve talked to them.
So is there anything specific that you would say you’re grateful for when it comes to having these experiences and who you are now?
I’m generally grateful to have a connection to something that you would call a spiritual power. Without that I would not be where I am. That’s reallythe thing that’s sustaining me and that’s also the thing that I’ve been cultivating and I’ve also been making sure that I have time to meditate and to drop in and to try and find that space in myself that’s vastness and stillness and being. I’m really grateful that we as human beings are able to have that experience.
And is there anything that you would say to someone who is just starting their healing journey? Someone who is getting your book?
I would just say that I know that their unconditional being is lovefor everyone and I totally know that they’ll be able to get back in touch with that and that there will be an expression of that. It might not be easy but it’s absolutely possible.
If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about the world, what would it be?
It would probably be the birthing system. I don’t think that births belong in a hospital and into a medical system. I always say that if I had five minutes in front of the United Nations I would tell them to get men out of the business and the women and the children home and let them do their thing. Because I think it determines so much, the way we are attached to our mother in the first few minutes, it determines so much in our lives. And the way we relate and feel in life.
And what brings you the most joy?
I think the most joy is connecting with people whether it’s dancing, swimming in the ocean, playing with my children but I definitely find the most joy in contact with somebody else.
And what’s one thing that makes you uniquely you?
One thing that people always smile at when I tell them is that I lived in a tent for 9 months on a small island off the West coast of Africa. It was in an intentional community, it wasn’t just by myself.
To find Carolin’s fundraiser please visit: www.indiegogo.com/blossombook.