Conventional wisdom has it that it’s normal to get bored and disenchanted with your partner over time. This is not so with Bonding-Based Lovemaking.
In addition to this already looming death sentence for any relationship, Covid has put a lot of strain on most of our intimate unions over the past 18 months.
Not knowing what to really do, but wanting to save your relationship you might have started to follow conventional wisdom that advises you, that in order to keep things spicy and interesting couples just have to keep doing new things.
In reality, most of us find that even when we do things like introducing sex toys or buying sexier lingerie or opening up the relationship, the connection that we truly crave eludes us.
Why is that?
That’s a question I would ask myself a lot, not believing that there wasn’t a way to keep love going and not just to keep it going but to make it grow and get better over time.
I kept asking myself, how can we feel so amazing, so close with our partner at one point, and then have it all erode under our hands and either end up as roommates with no excitement and attraction – in the best case- or with lots of frustration, resentment, unmet needs and lots of fighting or no talking at all anymore in the worst?
The answer to this riddle came to me in a very surprising form.
It came to me in the form of a book that talked about our biology.
We all have a sense that one of the most fulfilling things in life would be a deeply loving, connected relationship with our beloved.
Most people I’ve come across in my life including myself, this is what we want and feel is right for us. Most of us also keep chasing this feeling as a faint idea that seems impossible to attain.
Turns out our sense is correct. We are just missing a few puzzle pieces.
One of the biggest missing puzzle pieces for me was that the human body is actually designed for and equipped with two programs for sex/ lovemaking. Biologically that is.
One program is designed to make sure the species survives. The other one is there to help us create the union we dream of.
Unfortunately, these two programs don’t quite go hand in hand.
Our genes don’t seem to care about our personal heart’s desires.
So very sneakily nature connected the most potent source of pleasure (without taking any drugs or using any other unnatural stimulant) namely orgasms – to us reproducing.
So essentially we get lured and tricked by our genes into reproducing by orgasmic sex feeling as good as it does.
And because orgasms feel so good and give us the illusion of connection, partially because that’s all we know, we believe that exciting sex with lots of orgasms equates to a healthy sex- and love life.
Taoist practitioners in ancient times already observed that intercourse was great for couples, gentle intercourse that is, and that dispersing one’s energy through ejaculating (for men) stole precious life energy.
Today we have neuroscience that can prove that what the sages of the ages alluded to is actually correct.
Scientists can see that when we have an orgasm, our brain neurochemicals spike just as they do when shooting heroin. Brain scans of men ejaculating and brain scans of addicts shooting heroin under an MRI look just the same.
What goes up must come down. In order for our brains to come back to normal, it can take 1-2 weeks.
Some people have very direct experiences of the shift in their own energy right after orgasm, like not wanting to be touched anymore, feeling depressed or irritable or teary or plain feeling like they’ve been given a sleeping pill.
Our brain chemistry is responsible for how we feel and see the world. When our brain chemistry is balanced we see the world and our partner in a positive light, when our brain chemistry is out of balance, which it is after we have an orgasm, we feel ready to bite someone’s head off, or just want to run away.
Things feel like it’s the other person’s fault or that the other person has changed, when in fact your neurochemistry and therefore your perception has changed.
I have struggled in relationships like no one’s business.
Things would start off so great, with so much love and a lot of great sex, and then inadvertently we’d start fighting and part ways. Sometimes after years of struggling to make things work and sometimes after just a few short months. Every time it was excruciatingly painful and left me feeling very helpless when it came to creating lasting love.
I read every self-help and relationship book on the planet and went to tons of seminars by the time I was 30 I had spent what other people spend on buying a house on “fixing” myself. I learned to communicate better just to end up never being able to use what I had learned in the heat of emotions being triggered and high.
My heart was longing for deep connection and union, I knew there had to be a way.
What I didn’t know was that this way would put my world upside down.
My background is in sexual trauma healing and helping people become sexually free and empowered.
In my own life that had meant learning to feel safe and actually enjoy intimacy and lots of orgasmic sex.
So when I came across the idea of there being two programs in our body for lovemaking. One that entailed orgasms and the other that didn’t, it felt hard to believe that I could actually do it.
But the promise of finally having a tool to create the sacred union I truly wanted, and my own desperation, because I was nearing my 40ties and time for creating a long-lasting union, seemed to be running out, made me willing to give it a try.
Not knowing how I would be able to transition out of an amazing orgasm-filled sex life into the world of Bonding-Based Lovemaking (that’s what this second way of lovemaking is called) I threw myself into the exploration.
Over time I found men that were curious enough to explore with me (as it is a practice that can’t be practiced on your own).
The way this second program works is through bonding/ attachment cues.
Over time these cues help our brain chemistry shift from a dopamine excitement-driven mix to a deeply nourishing, stable feeling oxytocin one. Oxytocin is our bonding hormone.
So in short if you want to truly create the union of your heart’s desire, you need to detox your brain from the way you have sex or not have sex any more and teach your brain a completely new way of relating, this new way is called Bonding- Based Lovemaking. I won’t lie, just like it is tough and boring to change your diet or other habits that aren’t healthy for you, the first few weeks might not be super easy..but then…once you’ve made it through the initial slump your senses start to reawaken, your attraction for your partner comes back, you start to feel younger and happier, the emotional bond and stable happiness light up your soul and opens your heart and you’ll discover that you were right all along, you can have your dream, you can have paradise on earth with your lover. You’ll make love a lot more often, a lot longer with a lot more fun. What you were missing up until now was a vital piece of information and the practical know-how in terms of how to shift from the procreation sex program to Bonding-Based Lovemaking.
Bonding-Based Lovemaking is where it’s at.
Bonding-Based Lovemaking makes it so that you and your whole relationship shift to a higher level and fights and disagreements that mostly stem from unmet needs or power struggles around how each in the relationship can get their needs met without compromise and sacrifice, will be a thing of the past. Sweetness, you haveing energy and life working will be your new normal.
I know those are big promises but I am not afraid to make them to you because this is what I am living and if I can do and have this so can you.
I hope this article sparked your curiosity enough for you to be wanting to find out more.
If so, the next step is to watch my 5 shifts to creating a blissful relationship with honeymoon feelings that last – masterclass.
Or book a free Bonding-Based Lovemaking intro Session with me (Both these things, the free session and the masterclass are for you and your partner together if you are in a relationship if you are single and it’s just you, that’s fine too).
I very much hope that this article is helpful to you.
All my love to you!
Carolin